Lost and confused

Hi I’m 25 nonbinary and new to this sub. I don’t really know what I’m looking for I was just hoping to write down my thoughts and maybe hear from others that have maybe gone through similar things.

I felt fairly comfortable in my gender as a cis bisexual boy most of my life, was just not something I ever thought about. I was always willing to accept the more feminine parts of myself though and often disliked the idea of things for girls and things for boys growing up. Weirdly I notice now looking back, many of the things I thought I wanted in a partner or even would project onto them were things that I felt I couldnt do as a man, like fashion for instance, were moreso things that I wanted for myself.

But as I hit my twenties I’ve started feeling more and more uncomfortable I guess. I think I would most likely identify as genderfluid currently, I feel as though I want to present as male sometimes and female at others. I came out to my partner as nonbinary genderfluid but nobody else in my life knows.

I wish I could look at myself in the mirror and see something I’m happy with. My partner is amazing and supportive and tells me to wear whatever clothes I like and present however I like and loves me regardless but even though sometimes I look at myself dressed like a man and think I don’t look like the me I want to look like, dressing like a girl makes me feel nice but often worse than how I feel dressed as a man when I see my beard shadow peaking through or the way the fat sits on my body.

I don’t know if its weird but it makes me feel less dysphoric to see me passing as a man than looking like a man in a dress… It doesn’t make me happy to dress like a man but it’s easy, there’s no potential conflict and it feels like I should just accept that I don’t have the body I want and suck it up sometimes…

I know that’s not right. That I shouldn’t just accept it cause it’s easier for everybody else but that’s how I feel a lot of the time. Equally I feel if I was to try change I’ve missed the boat, I’m 25 and there’s a massive waiting list if I want to seek hrt… I feel angry at myself for not getting to this point earlier. I worry the gp won’t take me seriously. And if I did start hrt what if it doesn’t help? What it I still hate parts of my body?

I’m sad that I only can be a girl at home. I’m glad I have a safe space with my partner but I wish I could be a girl whenever I wanted. I want to feel like a girl not just a man who crossdresses at home. Im so scared of the alternative too though. I don’t want to make my family upset. I don’t want to sit on another nhs waiting list while my body gets older and manlier. I’m scared that accepting and coming to peace with the fact I can’t look and be who I want to be might just be easier and better for everyone…