I keep having visions of killing my mom

14 years ago I tried to kill my mom as a result of her abuse and neglect. I was around four. I put some lavender scented oils in her mug and watched her drink it. She ended up spitting it out and nothing happened, but the disappointment I felt lingers. I was just standing in the doorway waiting for her to die. The smell of lavender takes me back.

Ten years later when I was 14, I was groomed by an older guy from Indiana, he made me send photos of my self harm every day in exchange for company. I was lonely- my friends at the time spread rumors about me upon hearing the story about my mom. Over time they convinced me that I must have been born evil. During gym class we had a new teacher and I was convinced it was the same man I was texting everyday. It made me sweaty and cold even in the spring heat outside.

I became paranoid and brought a small knife everywhere so I could periodically excuse myself to the restroom and plunge the small knife into the bathroom stall. Even now I can’t stand to be alone because all I do is sit and have these flashbacks for hours and they don’t let me go. How can I stop this? My dad doesn’t believe in mental illness and thinks therapy is for losers. In 4 months I’m moving to a different country (America to New Zealand) so I’ll be able to attend therapy then. But in the meantime what can I do to help a little bit?