Overcoming self-judgement?

I just discovered this sub and thought I’d ask others for their perspective: Do you think INTJs are more likely to self judge and if so, what can I do about it?

I’m prone to overthinking and rumination and constantly “assess” myself in comparison to others and what I think I “should” be like and what I “should” be doing. I realized recently that although I know exactly what my skills are, I have absolutely no idea how others perceive me. Literally no one in my life has ever told me, “here is a personal quality that I like about you.” All of the external information/validation I have ever received has been, “you are good at doing XYZ.”

So if I’m not “doing” what I “should” - applying my skill sets for tangible outcomes that others can evaluate and assess, I have literally no idea who I am or what my inherent value is as a human being.

I constantly judge and assess myself regarding whether I am actively living up to the “standards” that I believe others have for me or that others have in a general sense about what appropriate and productive human behavior is. If I am not, the self critic goes into high gear and berates me for being a loser, lazy, screwed up, and/or wasting my talents.

It does not help at all that I have chosen a career in which others’ assessment of me and of my work is fundamental to the job. As a professor, I depend on students liking me for the effectiveness of my teaching. Any research I do is evaluated and externally approved for accuracy and a novel contribution to my field. There are external, institutional expectations of how much research I should produce and whether I am teaching effectively. When I believe I am failing to meet any of those external expectations (especially because I’ve “wasted time” on non-productive activities that I enjoy for fun), I feel as though I have no inherent worth.

How does one explain or understand “who they are” without an external source for information and comparison of their relative “worth” or “value”? There are things that I enjoy doing in life, but these things often detract from my ability to do what I think I “should” be doing - the things that have been my only source of praise and acceptance.

For instance, I love to movies, so I watch them a lot. But my movie-watching often detracts from the things I think I “should” be doing (what I believe others deem are important or value in my skillset). So I believe I am being lazy and/or not as “good” as others who use their skills to produce tangible things that can be evaluated for their quality at a rate higher than I do. “Tangible things” can be anything - a spotless bathroom, a healthy meal, a peer-reviewed research article, or a family outing that supports my child’s development.

I like watching true crime shows and they always interview the murder victims family who say things like “she lit up a room, she was so caring about others, she was able to get along with everyone, etc.” I realized that if I died, I have literally no idea what qualities others would see in me apart from my success at producing tangible things that can be evaluated for their quality. My inner critic is relentlessly cruel and prevents me from actually enjoying leisure activities even when I do them.

Can others on this sub relate or am I weird? Many other people I meet seem to have a firm and positive sense of who they are apart from what they “do.” I would like that very much, but I have no idea how to go about turning off my inner critic and just being me (whatever “me” is, which I still don’t know).