It's late at night and I miss her.

It's 4 AM and everyone is sleeping. I'm left alone, to drown in my own thoughts.

My mind is racing, constantly flashing memories of times I was an awful person, times I could have acted differently, it's like it's looking for answers, looking for solutions to problems that are long gone and cannot be solved.

And I think the main reason is that a part of me, the stupidest part of me, still has hope that I can fix things, that if I find her again, when I have all the answers, when I am everything she wanted, when I know exactly how to make her love me again, everything will just fall into place.

I'm trying so hard to kill that hope, I'm trying so hard to stop thinking about those things, because I keep hearing again and again that constantly thinking about amending mistakes in the past will just drive you insane.

Unfortunately the truth is that, she's not here, she chose not to be here, she told me she didn't love me anymore and she left, and that's the only absolute, the only factual thing that has happened. And I guess it's just hard for me to accept it.

Being alone, in silence, sucks so much, my coping mechanism these past months, these 4 awful months of the breakup was to constantly keep my brain busy, just so I could ignore her absence.

The amount of strenght, of effort I have made to never, not once break no contact, to never check her profile anywhere, never check up on how she's doing, even blocking her on certain social media accounts because I know that if her profile picture, if her name pops up I'll spiral into another panick attack, is so excruciating.

And it feels like no one can truly understand how big of a mental toll this has taken on me.

Look at me, I'm currently on vacation, sleepless, losing my mind over a person who didn't mind losing me.

And my brain is actively against me. Any time I feel like I'm forgetting things about her, how she sounded, how she talked, how she felt, how she looked, it rushes to make up shit, try to fill the gaps. It's like going into emergency mode, it desperately wants to hold onto those memories, and so do I, but doing so is hurting me so badly.

I feel like the one giving up when I even consider moving on, like I'm walking away, like I'm breaking my word and all those promises I made. Even though she was the one who chose not to be here.

Perhaps the fact that I still blame myself for making her leave, for being so awful that she slowly lost feelings for me has a hand in how I'm feeling.

But I honestly don't know how much longer I can be like this.

The other day my therapist told me that if I want to, I can always be in this grieving and mourning state, and that option has just broken me. I hate that suggestion, because I want it so badly. I want to always love her, I want to be the one who didn't break his word, the one who valiantly stayed true to the love of his life and never gave up. But the idea of this even being an option is sickening. It's like telling me that moving on isn't the expected outcome, despite that supposedly being the outcome most desired and expected. I have to move on, and I hate even thinking about moving on. I don't believe I can do it, but I keep going for who knows what reason. I don't know if I can be okay on my own again, I feel like I have nothing left for both my present and future, and trying to make plans and setting goals feels like admitting that this wasn't as important as it should have been, despite it clearly being the most important thing to happen to me. I'm sure I'll never fall in love again, hell, I barely believe in love as a concept anymore.

It feels so impossible to live my life, because it feels like I've lost my life. Like I've lost my future, my meaning, my purpose. This wasn't just a relationship, this was, my everything.

How can I even keep going? I've just been surviving, day after day.