Feeling boxed in...

The only way I can describe the feeling. When things are down for me mentally with this illness, it's a combination of derealization, existential thinking, intrusive thoughts, some anxiety not panic attacks like many months ago but sort of an anxious feeling about life and death. I start to feel boxed in.

When I was in the mental hospital twice during the 20 month course of this illness, I had a sort of realization that has stuck with me. As I sit here at the public school I work at, I think to myself this place is no different than the mental hospital. In many ways it isn't.

I look at the windows here and it looks the same as when I was in there. You start to feel caged in. Theres a daily schedule. A routine of sorts. A scheduled time to eat. All of those things. I just remember feeling normal and not thinking like this. Being completely calm at work and excited to get out work and do fun things as a normal mid 30s guy would.

I start to feel trapped on an island. I live on cape cod. I am constantly thinking about native americans and pilgrims now. Just the daily grind of this life in society seems so overhwelming now.

I see people as biological beings due to the derealization. I was never like this before. I was the life of the party, the calmest guy in the room.

I really hope this all subsides. I've made a lot of progress but mentally I still deal with these issues off and on. I'm so bored of all these relentless feelings that don't seem to let up and are unpredictable.

If anyone knows a way out please let me know. Any progress stories share them. I still believe in full recovery. Mentally it is draining though. Mostly with derealization for me seems to be the biggest thing.

Praying for us all. God Bless.