Binge ed and weight loss pressures

I’ve had a binge ed for years and am currently around 220. Although I have weeks where I lose weight and eat healthy, I keep coming back to this toxic state of mind. Stress has been building up on me and I just wish I was skinny again. I’ve been purging more but mostly eating way to much and then trying to starve. I just have this really big pressure on myself elf to be skinny again. I quite literally lost friends when I gained back a lot of weight and no one treats me like how they used to. I realize the immense privilege I had when I was skinny and feel awful now that I don’t have it, even if it sounds weird. As a young kid I was chubby and bullied a lot. Even by teachers, then I grew and lost a lot in middle school and now I’m back to square one. Even if middle school was a long time ago I’m still young and stick to how I used to look like. I wish I had a flatter stomach and legs and everything desperately. With work and school it’s so hard to stick to it because I’m so tired. I just want my old body back, the one where I could wear what I want and not be made fun of. Another thing, everyone makes fun of how you dress more when you’re fat. I just want to feel beautiful. I can’t even look in the mirror without picking every feature apart. I do take care of myself and I am going outside and walking a lot more but I wish I could just loose it all and be 140 again. Honestly if I had the money I would get surgery to be happy with myself.