I'm pretty sure I'm a porn addict

When I (F20) was about 12-13, thanks to a youtube video, I first found a website that have you little previews of hentai mangas. At the time I was very depressed, I lost the few friends I had, school was getting worse, and I was harming myself on and off. So having something new and exciting, it gave my brain the happy chemicals I need to not just try to kill myself or anything. And since that moment, I've pretty much always had my incognito mode open on my phone.

It started with that hentai manga site, reading it in car rides for the emotional and physical arousal and energy that other parts of my life drained from me. I times I was sitting next to my parents, moving so they couldn't see my phone, it makes me sick to my stomach. And then a few years later, when I was about 13-14, thanks to a different youtube video, I found rule 34. Basically all drawn and cartoon porn, which also applied for video games and cartoons I was interested in at the time. And when I turned 15, the pandemic started. That's when I really went downhill.

I am asexual, the idea of touching myself or letting someone else touch me is not appealing. But still, pretty much every day for a good chunk of 2020, I'd look at r34, and just hump the arm of my couch. I don't think there isn't a category on that site I haven't looked at, at least once. I've been good at hiding it, only my current boyfriend (20m) really knows the extent of it. As of now, I still look at r34 when I'm bored or need some stimulation so I don't lose my mind. I don't like porn of real people that much, I don't like not being able to know the state of consent and comfortability of the actors in those. I've even started making some of my own art. And overall, I feel like a gross pervert at the end of the day.

I am in college now, and taking psychology classes, where one of my teacher went on a mini rant about how porn ruins our brains and after time we get numb and need to find more extreme stuff to satisfy that mental craving. And that's really when it hit me of how screwed I really am. I'm trying to at least limit myself for now, but it's harder with my depression acting up. And i still live with my parents, don't have a car of my own, and most of my friends are either online and live too far away or are busy with their own school and work lives. The most I have is my cat and my games, and they feel like the only things I can rely on to be there whenever i need them every time.

I don't know, I just wanted to share. The current average age of being exposed to nsfw content in the US is about 8 years old, so I know other people can at least relate. And being a woman makes it feel like I'd be called a whore more easily or that creeps would try to pray on me for that. If you do read this, thank you