My ex-girlfriend could have BPD, I feel confused.

Hello,

I knew this girl for a long time, for like 8 years, basically we were childhood friends. We got in touch again when we were 18 years old, she was currently in relationship, pretty toxic one. Her partner was narcissistic and she was staying in that relationship only because he was only one who wanted her. So after some time we spend together she broke up with him and we started moving toward relationship, she initiated all of that. She was traumatized by that relationship because she let him control her for a 3 years, it was from her 16 to 19 years.

I really helped her to forgive him and move forward, I was very caring and fell in love with her. After she dealt with her ex, she bacame happier person. We were together for 2,5 years and it was my first relationship. Our relationship was often hard but we grew a lot together, like 95 % of my personal growth was into that relationship. I changed so much towards better person and she changed a lot too. We had really deep connection thanks to common childhood. But she had a lot of trouble inside her head all the time. She was very unstable, often raging for nothing, when we argued she used to punch me or break stuff, when it was bad she used to hit herself. She was often depressed, even suicidal, could not take any responsibility for her behaviour, it felt like she wasn't matured at all. She was always thinking only about herself and to be honest I was thinking only about her, if she was happy everything was ok, it was peaceful. Now I realize how toxic that is.

So our break-up was very complex, it was on and off for like 2 to 3 time and it ended when she finally cheated on me. It was especially hard for me because I tried to save that relationship and she agreed, after some time apart from each other we were together again and it seemed like things will be better. It was hard for me because she wanted to cheat for like 2 times but never actually did it, so I tried really hard to trust her again. This time she cheated on me on yoga retreat in Cambodia where she was for one month. She came back and acted like everything is normal, we slept for a few hours and then went to a restaurant. She told me that she cheated on me when she got drunk and she doesn't even think that it is bad, she told me that if I love her I should accept her as she is, and this is it. I didn't believed her because I knew her for a long time, I knew she only hurt herself. She only needed it because of ego boost, she has self-esteem problems.

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So after this I got really confused, I loved her but I could not trust her, she told me that she doesn't care about me, she doesn't even thought about how I am going to feel about her cheating on me. It was really bad, she was confused as always, telling me how much she love me, I was so confused I could not do anything, I just felt so bad, so overwhelmed in emotions. So I texted her, she texted back, then we argued, then no contact, then after some time I texted her again. In the end she just projected all onto me and then blocked me. She was talking about spirituality whole time, it was so confusing, still is. She was talking about how she don't want to be in co-dependent relationship and how my bond was too strong, like I needed her. After first month I've got better, then she called me and we talked about it, she cried about her cheating on me, but I don't think it was guilt, more of shame. She talked about me like I was the bad and abusive one, like I am the reason she cheated too. I let it go. Btw 3 days before that I texted her and she got hysterical and called me and yelled at me that I must not contact her anymore.

So 2 weeks went by and I felt better, but then we randomly met on a bus, she asked me if I can sit next to her. Firstly I said no and sat somewhere else but I felt bad because of that, so I came back and sat next to her. Nothing bad happened, really we just talked like old friends, like we broke up on good conditions. Just a small talk and nothing more, we got off the bus at the same stop and as we said goodbye I hugged her and went away, I realize I still like her a lot. After like 60 meters I looked back and she was looking at me as she waited for traffic to pass. This made me confused, it was so normal, she seems alright, like she is happy, she is making new friends and trying to do different activities. I know she doesn't want me back and so do I, but somehow it made me backtrack. I marked her as BPD because it made so much sense, it explains a lot of her behaviour but now I feel bad about that too...This whole experience left me emotionally drained and damaged and I am by no means close to healed, everyone told me that it was definitely not my problem and that I tried hard and acted the best way possible. I often find myself really confused about her, about myself and about our relationship.

Sorry for such a long post. I just wanted to give you atleast some details so you can have better clue of what is going on.

Do you think she might suffer from BPD, she met with a psychologist and he told her that her emotions are unstable and strong, but she never stayed long enough to be diagnosed, if so, what does this normal friendly conversation meant?
What is the best thing I can do for myself in this situation?
Do you have similiar experiences?How to truly let go of her?
Should I prepare for further contact from her ?

Thanks for answers and your time, I really appreciate it.

PS: sorry for grammar, English is not my native language.