You're going to accept these things if you truly love someone with BPD:
- You will probably get cheated on: If they think you're gonna cheat at some point, they'll rather "cheat first" so they don't get hurt and suffer abandonment, or they need to have a constant network of reassurance so if one relationship fails, then another one will work
- You won't know what happens next even if everything is going "OK": It doesn't matter if the day, week or month has been amazing and everything is safe and happy, if any triggers occur (as small as it may feel), expect even the most unexpected thing.
- Your loved ones won't approve your ties with this person: "Why would you go back after x did this?" "Do you have self worth?" "That %&/ is crazy! What's wrong with you?" and you know what? They're correct... but your love is stronger, right?
- Expect different versions or complete lies about real events: If they have to manipulate a story for their convenience they will. Sometimes is fully deliberate, they know what they did. Sometimes, it's unintentional, they really really think this happened, their brains sometimes truly morph reality into something it isn't... You won't know which one of this options is the correct one, only register your interactions in some way to avoid complications.
- The good times are REALLY good, the bad times are REALLY bad: It can go from cheesy romantic comedy to true crime documentary real fast
- They will destroy you and everything... and it isn't their fault (most of the time): BPD is caused by years of trauma, neglect, abandonment. Yes, genetics sre involved, but it mostly has to do with their childhood. This fucked up version and behavior towards of love, relationships, family, home isn't good, it isn't healthy and it's a product of suffering. The suffering they endured was so much that their brain is permanently damaged and they can't really turn it back to "normal". Does this justify what they could put you through? No, not at all. Sometimes they act out because of a trigger even though their intentions are good, other times they're plainly evil and there's no excuse. Does this mean you are obligated to tolerate it? No, and it's better for you to leave most of the time. Loving someone with BPD isn't for the average person, only few of us are committed to stay through thick and thin no matter what.
Are we, the one who stay, idiots? For some yes, but the purest love is pure charity: We want good things for someone even though it won't necessarily come back, this gets mixed with self-hatred and "being a doormat" the difference is that we're not in a relation based on co-dependency, of pure insecurity and resenment, we won't die if they lash at us, we expect it and don't suffer because of it. They decide to cut us off completely? Ok, it's not the end of the world, I can live without them and I'm fine with it, but if the come back I'll be there for them.
Is this an anti-BPD love post? Absolutely not. I know all of this because of loved ones with this condition, family and friends. I know how they behave with friends, spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends with benefits, distant relatives, parents, cousins, crushes, the mail man, siri, etc.
My only message is: If you commit to love someone with BPD, you can't love them "a little" or "enough" like you do with other people, you can't ignore them for a small amount of time, be absent for a little bit, be annoyed for something small without discussing it, lying even if it's just a silly white lie that is easy to see through... everything you do ("good" or "bad") is multiplied by 338947983.
If you love someone with BPD, you have to love them too much, way too much, way more than you love nearly anyone else in this world. You will have to have an inhuman amount of patience, resilience, mercy, compassion... and you also need confidence, firmness, assertiveness and strength. You can't be a doormat, but you also can't be an abuser. If they betray you you have to know how to forgive them without giving them a free pass to do it again, and teach them a lesson hard enough but without getting out of hand... and this is extremely difficult, it's a balance that nearly none of us have found.
Your heart and brain have to be too large, and both have to communicate.
After years of confusion and rage, I think I cracked the code (kind of). It has been a horribly difficult journey, full of uncertainty, pain, sadness, relief, euphoria, happiness... and it's so chaotic, but I've survived and I think my love has expanded enough to not to run out of it. I've accepted reality and somehow I don't feel bothered by it, just prepared.
That's it. Thanks for reading. I wish I read this before getting into this, it could've been easier to know what I had to do.